Minerva

Before this gets too far and one was to think that I was referring to a person or even a Roman goddess, this is not the case.

This is an accidental misnomer.

You see, I went to the doctor and, as per the usual beginning of any visit they asked what medications I was on.  So, I had to inform them that I had recently had an IUD put in.  And, of course, they asked which one.

Now, it is rare for me to be able to call up names quickly.  Generally, I remember things by their first letter, and for the life of me, all I could recall was that it started with an “M”.  Panic then set in because the doctor was waiting, so my brain and my mouth spewed out the first thing that came to mind.  They always work in conjunction like that, despite my best efforts.

“Minerva.”

The look on the doctor’s face was worth it though, and so now a piece of “hardware” that I possess has a name.  (The true name is “Mirena®”.)

It’s fun though because I blame everything on Minerva.  I gained 20 pounds after being introduced to Minerva!  I also gained a whole lot more. . .

So, let’s be clear.  My husband is “fixed”.  The use of this device is not due to a desire to prevent further children.  It’s to manage “peri-menopause”.

Okay, so I’m old enough that this period of life used to be referred to as “menopause”.  And, when you were through it you were done, and there was no label for it.  Now, there’s “peri-menopause”, and when you are done you are in “menopause”.

What idiot came up with that???

Like, seriously, “pause”, in my mind, means it can be restarted.  I don’t want to think that I’m going through all this crap just so I can wind up in “menopause”.  I want to end up in “meno-cease”!  

So, dear official medical term maker-uppers.  Make that happen!  You are a child, menstrual, menopausal, and finally meno-ceased.

*sigh*

Have you noticed while they have an entire series of “What to Expect” books, they don’t have one for menopause (or peri. . .)  The going saying for a period of time, was that yours would mimic your mother’s.  That’s the biggest lie on the planet.  My Mom had horrid hot flashes, severe anxiety, and some moodiness (though that could specifically relate to the two aforementioned symptoms).  My maternal grandmother just upped and stopped — with no symptoms what-so-ever.

My symptoms?  Intense rage.  Like, I was thinking to myself if this is anywhere close to what teenage boys have to deal with when they hit puberty, it’s amazing the human race didn’t end with Cain.  It was insane!  I would see my jacket that I had hung on the back of my chair and if it was slightly askew I would suddenly go, mentally, ballistic.  I would run and lock myself in a room hollering at everyone in earshot that it was not safe to be around me until I had calmed down and collected myself.  My husband would not too infrequently grab the kids and leave for a couple of hours.

But, that wasn’t anything compared to the bleeding.  It just didn’t seem to want to stop, and the quantities!  Oh.  My.  Goodness. I felt like small, raccoon-sized, animals  had been exsanguinated in my pants.  (TMI?)  I often couldn’t leave the house for fear of what could occur to my complete and utter embarrassment.

So, I went to the doctor and asked them to just rip out my uterus.

I got Minerva instead.  (And iron pills, lots of those.)

And now, almost a year later I can say that my rage is gone, and the bleeding is again manageable.  I now also come with 20 extra pounds, PMS, and “girlie-drama-tear” emotions.  The last two the men in my life don’t know how to deal with because it never existed before.  Wait, I don’t know how to deal with them either.

And, it’s all Minerva’s fault.